Someone should have warned me

Having a kid isn’t hard, being a grown up is.

I went back to work after having 64 days off. And by “OFF”, I mean 64 days where they only called and nagged me 14 times instead of the usual 36. And let me tell you, 64 days is not nearly enough time to lose the undisclosed amount of weight I’ve gained. Or even lose enough to fit back into my work pants. But at the risk of possibly stabbing someone that I work with, I’m rocking my regular pants with a belly band I opted not to wear my maternity pants. I’m sad that yoga pants were ruled completely unacceptable.

Bastards never birthed a child, obviously. This is why only men are ever in charge.

So yea. I’m back at work and Beanie is rocking out with Mommom and Poppy.

I think I’m missing a mom gene. Don’t get me wrong, I miss her. But I was irrationally excited to get back to this shithole and clean up whatever it is that’s messed up (everything!) I think Beanie and I have an understanding and its best described by the old adage “how can I miss you if you won’t go away”.

I don’t miss the screaming, I don’t miss the vomiting of nasty ass formula, I don’t miss having to change my shirt 4 times in 3 hours, I don’t miss the peeing on the wall.

I don’t. At All.

But at the end of the day, I’m so super excited to get home and see this little lady.

I mean c’mon, you can’t tell me this isn’t one of the cutest kids you’ve ever seen!

Thanksgiving 2011

Ok so now that we all know I’m the world’s worst blogger (hello — you try blogging with a newborn!) but I figured let’s start it back up and let you know what’s up.

FB has been doing this whole “What I’m Thankful For”. I didn’t jump on that train this year but I have PLENTY to be thankful for so here goes (in NO particular order):
1) My Husband — The man makes me want to drink, plain and simple. But I love him dearly. I love not only how he makes me feel when he’s around but I love he makes me love me, which has been hard for me to do.


2) Beanie — My Miracle Baby — she is the light of my life. I want to hug her and love her and name her George. She screams at me and hates to let me sleep and will probably be found, staring at me while I sleep, plotting my doom, but I love her.

3) Doctor’s Being Wrong — I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous but because many doctor’s were wrong, I was able to get pregnant. Well that and my husband’s sperm but I’m not exactly listing that as a thing to be thankful for. That’s just gross.

4) Divorce — even more ridiculous, right? But because my divorce was FINALLY finalized, I was able to marry E and get on with my life.

5) Gibbs — He’s my silver-haired fox. I would have said Randy Orton but I once said “I’d let him throw me around the bedroom” but that was not very well received so we don’t joke about that anymore. We know Gibbs ain’t picking my fat ass up so it’s ok to list him.

6) The Posse of Ninja Moms — seriously, without these ladies, I’d be curled up in the corner of a room, swaying back and forth, wearing a straight jacket. Well, I still do that some days but it’s not nearly as often. Seriously, no words had ever been truer then being told “Right now you’re probably getting your ass kicked by this tiny human that doesn’t yet know how to be a human but it’s ok…” These words probably saved my life. That’s all I can say on this matter because, like Fight Club, what’s the #1 rule? Right. You get it.

7) The Sibling — she’s totally my best friend. She talks me down from the ledge. She just gets me.

8) My Sister In Law — we weren’t BFF when we first met and I totally get it. Here I come, the new chick, busting onto the scene and clearly Ethan didn’t have the best taste in women (I’ve seen pictures) so she’s all “who the hell is this new chick?” but I made her like me. That’s right, I MADE her. I’m all “we WILL be friends” and finally, she relented and humored me. Totally kidding. But we are friends now and defintitely embracing the sister role.

9) My Family — they are absolutely bat shit crazy but I love them and they are best family I could ask for. I don’t tell them nearly enough and that makes me suck but they know. I know they know. They know I know they know.

10) Friends That I’ve had for Upward of 26 Years — Friends come and go but I have a friend that I’ve had since we were 4. It’s so serious that even our dads were friends! I was recently in her wedding (the pic you see below) and she has been there for me through leaving for the CG, my divorce, my meeting and marrying E, having a baby, and I have no doubt in my mind that she will be there for me for years to come.

11) My Interwebs Friends — Don’t ask. It’s a secret.

12) Marney — if you don’t know about her, you betta axe somebody.

13)  Reality TV — reminding me that someone, somewhere has more drama in their lives then I do.

14) My Job — I hate it. I hate the people I work with. But I can’t complain because it pays the bills and after being home for so long, I’m looking forward to getting back into the rat race.

I’m positive I’m forgetting things but these are the first things I could think of and Beanie is starting to scream.

But at the end of the day, these two are my world and I never fail to remember or recognize that, despite all of my bad luck, I’m right where I should be

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