A Natural Mom

A woman who posts on the same message board as I do posted a question regarding a statement that was made.

“Are you a natural mom?”

There were a variety of answers to this post. It was definitely mixed across the board.

Mine: not only no but HELL NO.

Anyone that knew me pre-Beanie would agree.

I was always of the mind set that children should be seen and not heard. I didn’t want to mess with them, I didn’t want to be around them, I didn’t want anything to do with kids. They weren’t “my thing”. And I was ok with that.

8 years ago, I sat in a doctors office while he told me that “the chance of my conceiving naturally were 10-15%” and if I made it that far, my chances of carrying to term were 2-5%. Not great odds.

This very conversation threw me deeper into a spiral of “not giving a shit” about reproduction. I had convinced myself that it was completely ok that I wouldn’t have a child. I tried not to let it bother me. As a result, I adopted the mind set of “children can be fun as long as I can give them back.” And that’s how I operated for the past 8 years.

Over the past decade or so, I encountered women that were literally the epitome of a Natural Mom. These women need to have children in their lives because, regardless of what they were doing with their lives, they ultimately were put on earth to be a mother.

I was not one of those people. At all.

Enter E.

He wanted children. He wanted children who would be running around, playing sports, entertaining, making a house a home. I was very upfront in my thoughts. I didn’t think I would ever get married again and I definitely didn’t see myself having children. At this point in my life I have been through so much that I didn’t see myself as a mother. I saw myself as someone who was thrown into my work, traveling, and living my life. E was ok with this plan on the surface but deep down, I could tell he wanted the family life.

He came to make me want children.

With my past, I wasn’t positive I could give him that wish. And that killed me.

Fast forward 11 months into our relationship — we were having a baby. We knew there was a risk with us “not being careful” but with a 10-15% chance, why would we bother “being careful?”

LOL

Think again.

I always say that E chose me. He chose to take me on with all of my issues and believe me, I’m action packed with issues.

Beanie so obviously chose me.

Beanie has saved me from more than she will ever know. I can’t imagine my life without her. She is this 20lb lump of awesome. She giggles and smiles and lights up a room in only a way that she can. While I can’t explain, nor do I ever hope to have to explain, to Beanie why I considered her to have saved me, she will never know that there was ever a doubt in my mind about me having a child.

Does this mean I’m a natural mother? Nope. Does this mean that I will be the mother she wants? Probably not. Does this mean I will try my hardest to be the mother she needs?

I will die trying.

Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. – unknown

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