No Title Necessary

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck

This made my day.

It’s funny that I happened upon this link because I was having a conversation with a “soon-to-be-new mother” and this seemed to put it all in perspective for her.

She asked “Does childbirth hurt?”

Well — when I said it’s like pushing a St Bernard through the doggie door, I wasn’t lying. Your girl parts attempt to expand to a ridiculous measurement and then you basically act like you’re taking a massive shit in front of a room full of people (your husband included, which let me tell you, has never made me look more sexier to him…) You have contractions that feel like your innards are coming out through your belly button, you can’t eat or drink and you could very well shit yourself while pushing. Or you have a c-section, which you will be strapped down to a table with a curtain put around your chest and then they rearrange your innards (and take some out, depending on where things are laying) and they reenact a scene from Alien and pull this bloody creature from your abdomen. It’s a major surgery so yes, it hurts.

But 99.9% of the time, the end result is totally worth it.

I will say though, “they” are correct when they say you forget all about the pain and bullshit that you’ve just went through. As traumatic as my delivery was with Beanie, I don’t remember the contractions or the epidural screw ups or the pushing.

She then goes on about changing her entire life and plans for accommodate her child.

Umm, I can’t say that. I didn’t change a thing. Most people change their entire lives for their children. Their standing poker nights become a distant memory because OMG they have to be home all the time.

No. That’s so NOT the case here.

I made Beanie fit into my existing life. E and I still went out, we still talked to friends. We didn’t drop off the face of the earth simply because we had a baby. You’re preexisting life can still happen. Sure, you might have to carry a few extra items (diaper bag, wipes, diapers, baby, etc) but you don’t need to bring your life to All Stop simply because you have a baby. Let someone (you trust, obviously) watch them for 2 hours while you go out. Have date nights. Go to friends houses. Do things you did before you were pregnant. Life will start flying by and the last thing you want is to look back and remember all the friends and fun you used to have.

She said “how do I be a mom that does it all?”

You don’t.

You will feel like a failure at some point along the way. You were think that you are the biggest screw up ever because you will see other moms that are trying their best to be Martha Stewart. Let the laundry sit. Buy paper plates. Nothing beats getting down on the floor and playing with your child. Who cares if your house is messy? As long as you aren’t on an episode of Hoarders, it’s ok. Your kid won’t remember that you had spaghetti on paper plates? They’ll remember you being at their soccer games or their cheerleading competitions.

“How did you get Beanie to sleep?”

Well, this is an interesting one. Let me start by saying I absolutely, 110% believe that breast feeding is best. For most. For me, it was not. Beanie was a bigger baby at birth (8lb 4.6oz) and she was hungry. In the NICU, they were giving her 2oz of formula at a time. That wasn’t cutting it. When she cried the hungry cry, I fed her more. I started at 3 oz and then moved up from there. Yes, there was some wasted but I was willing to risk it. She would go to bed at 10p and sleep until 5:30a. That, to me, was sleeping through the night. By 7w old, she was sleeping from 9:30/10p until 6a and that thrilled me. Now, at 11.5m old, she will go to sleep betwen 6-8p and sleep until 6-9a.

I bring up the breast feeding comment because a lot of BF mamas don’t know exactly how much their babies are getting unless they pump. I can’t tell you how to make a BF baby sleep because I know they require more of the mothers. Hopefully you’re able to find a happy medium.

Bottom line: be your own person. Be the mother you want to be. Sure, you can draw on others experiences. Hell, I think I called my BFF K a million times when it came to feeding Beanie solids. I was lost. But now I’m more relaxed and I just roll with the punches. People want to tell me what I’m doing wrong or start a conversation with “When I was pregnant with my kid…” and they are met with a blank stare. Sure, you did your thing while you were pregnant but now it’s my turn to f*ck her up as I see fit. I choose not to put her in a bubble. Shit, just last night she bounced her face off the corner of a desk. She screamed and I picked her up, told her she was ok, gave her a toy, and she was happy again. No need for dramatics.

Don’t title yourself. Don’t put yourself in a category and put more stress on yourself. It’s not worth it and in the end, you will find that you aren’t helping your children any more or any less by trying to be SuperMom. And chances are, everyone else is looking at you and saying “That poor, pathetic woman.”

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