I cannot understard a word you are saying

Reblogged from Foul Mouthed Hooligans

It started not too long ago. A message or a text. Then I saw it more on the face page. A response to something that I said, which clearly was brilliant: “Totes.”

Totes? What does this mean, I wondered. Like, Isotoners? Umbrellas? A cute little bag that you carry your lunch inside? Totes. Huh. I dismissed it as an autocorrect or typo and forgot about it.

Then it happened again. Someone declared, “this is totes random but….”

I have no idea what was so random, I was stuck on the word “totes.” What the hell does this mean? So I decided I would use my highly trained investigative journalist mind to unravel this mystery.

I googled it.

Totes, it seems, is shortened speak for the word “totally.” As in, the English language is being totes destroyed by the totes laziness of this totes embarrassing usage of the word totes.

This desperate need to shorten and clip words blows my mind. I cannot speak for anyone else, but I didn’t spend hours at St. James diagramming sentences just so that I could LOL and WTF at them later. Incidentally, how in the hell did LOL come to use anyway? I realize it is the shortened way to say “laugh out loud,” but back in my 7th grade note-writing days, we did that by writing “ha” which is actually shorter. What genius came up with LOL? And then took it a step further to ROFLMAO. Has anyone ever rolled on the floor laughing, or laughed their ass off? Couldn’t the same effect be achieved if you simply wrote, HA HA!

Now it appears WTF has been replaced by WTAF, which adds the word “actual” in it (which also makes my friend Lara irrationally ragey — also not a word but I like that one). But it appears that WTAF is just the modern version of “huh” which is also a letter shorter. Don’t even get me started on how www is the shortened version of world wide web, but when you SAY www, you are saying six additional syllables than if you had just gone ahead and said “world wide web.”

Remember when acronyms were used for good, and not evil? KISS — keep it simple stupid. HOMES — Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior, the Great lakes. NASA — need another seven astronauts (too soon?).

Anyway, I felt the need to get to the bottom of this totes ridiculous phenomenon. Turns out I am saying that wrong, too. Because it is not totes ridiculous. It’s totes ridic. It’s cray-cray. Ima say it prolly so cray-cray it for realz could turn my brain to mush. Which would be the exact opposite of totes adorbs. If that happened — FML. Obvi, I’m jelly of ppl who can avoid this sitch.

(somewhere there is someone who understood all that)

This makes me sad. It makes me so sad. I wonder if this is what Shakespeare would think if we plopped him down in front of an episode of any television show ever made. WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE SAYING? I want to say that this is just the evolution of like, grody to the max and gag me with a spoon, but NO. Because that was fun. And also, words. Full on words. “Gag me with a spoon” is extremely descriptive, you know EXACTLY what I am saying.

Naturally (natch?) I decided this matter needed immediate attention from my husband. It took a fairly long, somewhat slow conversation in order to explain to him what is happening here, what people are saying, how to understand it. The result? The next day, Jim sent me a text in the morning. “Are you awake?” “Yes,” I replied.

“I totes knew you were.”

And it has begun.

These words that are making us crazy, we’ve now spent so much time ripping on them, they are becoming part of our daily conversations. We’re officially cray-cray on the reggae (I have no idea what that means).

Case in point — dinner. There we were, sitting at family dinner (we have family values) and Jim and I were discussing something. I can officially say I have no idea what we were talking about. But the words “totes” and “ridic” were fluid. I def don’t know what was said. It’s possible he said he had to go to the libes (that one came from a friend of mine). We spoke of our besties and Christmas prezzies and the deets on what we had for breks.

Hank was watching us, slowing putting his food to his mouth (and missing half of it — for hell’s sake, he’s 10, when is he going to learn to eat without half the food falling onto his shirt?), watching us back and forth like the world’s slowest ping-pong match. He finally cleared his throat and said, “uh, why are you two talking like teenagers?”

I don’t know, kid. It’s like a virus. A ridic, awk, presh, gorg, cray-cray, and bee-tee-dubs adorbs virus. Whatevs. I need a vacay.

Somebody, gag me with a spoon.



This little Gem was posted by my beloved Marney (who is still pissed that I didn’t name my kid after her, but I digress). This shit is getting serious. It’s getting to the point where people are making themselves look foolish.

It’s bad enough we live in a country full of different languages, like New Englandese, which is where people drop their Rs, taking a simple phrase such as “I parked my car in Harvard Yard” and making it sound like “I paaaahhhk my caaaah in Haaaaavaaad Yaaaaaad”. It’s to the point where I have asked people to “say again please?”. Then you have people (like me) that say “Warshington” or “Warsh” or “Oooolll” (oil). I get it, I do. That’s Marylandese. We also say Baldimore, Hon, and everything gets Old Bay put on it.

But that’s a post for a different time.

And she’s totally correct, WTAF does make me ragey because it makes no damn sense whatsoever. At all.

30 Days of Giving Thanks – Days 29 and 30

29) Something in Your Home:

My couch.  I have, what I affectionately call, a Fat People Couch. It’s one of those deep-seated couches that you sit down and then have to roll onto the floor to get off of. It’s fantastic 🙂

and finally

30) The Thing You Are Most Thankful For:

My family.

E and Beanie make me feel whole. Before E, I felt like I was missing a chunk of the puzzle and he completed me. Now we have Beanie and I feel like the part of me that was lost is now found. I was telling some friends the other day that Beanie was driving me batshit crazy the other night. The whining, the crying, the screaming, the climbing, the clinging. I was going nuts.

But then she grabbed my finger and pulled me towards the Christmas tree and was pointing at the various ornaments and grunting. I was telling her what they were and she would grunt again, presumably trying to repeat what I was telling her. And then it hit me. Here she is, this tiny person that is only just learning how to be a tiny person. She kicked my ass at first but she is really just a tiny human now that is still learning and she WANTS me to help her learn. I always get this pang of guilt when I pick her up from school and she’s one of the last kids there and I think she will come to hate me because E and I work so much but I realized that night, she doesn’t hate me because I work. No matter what I’ve done, she still shows me that she loves me every day, whether it’s in her hugs or her clingyness. She wants me to help her and I’ve never felt that feeling of want or being wanted before.

She makes me feel whole ♥

Beanie LightsBeanie Tree

30 Days of Giving Thanks – Days 26, 27, and 28

26) a Charity:

Well, it used to be Susan G. Komen but I was left with a slightly bitter taste in my mouth after the whole Planned Parenthood debacle. I’ve since split what I give to SGK and given a portion of that, included with another portion to the ASPCA, Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and March of Dimes.

Although Beanie was 5 days late, she was still a NICU baby and I’ve seen the babies that go into the NICU and my heart breaks for the parents that have been through that and that are currently going through that.

27) A Song:

 Heaven by Bryan Adams and Jason Aldean

E and I had a very small (read: 20 people) wedding and we didn’t have the reception with all the food and dancing but we both agreed, early on, that this was our song. This is the song that reminds us of each other.




28) A Gift:

hmm. I can’t pick one. I’m grateful for all of my gifts but if I could call her a gift, I’d say Beanie. We weren’t supposed to be able to have babies so when I found out I was pregnant, I felt as though I was being given a gift ♥

Christmas Is In The Air

I’ve seen some interesting things in my life but I’ve never seen a town as enthusiastic about things as Rockland is. I’ve figured out the town’s two main loves: Lobster and the Coast Guard.

The town’s love for lobster runs deep. So deep in fact that the town builds a Lobster Trap Christmas Tree. That’s right. An entire 40+ Ft Christmas Tree of lobster traps. Our station got to volunteer to help build it.

That’s me in the orange. I actually got up there and was helping to build this thing

From the inside looking up. The tree was about halfway up

Even E got in on the action. One of his rare days off and he came out to help us ♥

E, channeling his inner climber again


The Lobster is on the top and the tree is complete. (This pic was not photo-shopped. I managed to catch a precip ring at the perfect time)

E’s parentals and my parentals got to see the love of Lobster and the Coast Guard first hand when the Coast Guard (aka my station) brought Santa to Rockland, kicking off the Christmas season.


And the festivities for the weekend concluded with the lighting of the Lobster Trap Tree which marks the official start to the Christmas Season in Rockland.

The Weight Saga – Weeks 7 & 8

Total this week: +5lbs

Total Overall: 9lbs

Yea. Not a fantastic two weeks. I got call on Friday night, the 16th, that my Poppy had passed away and that E and I needed to go back to MD for the funeral. That meant eating on the road, driving at least 9 hours one way, and having an extremely messed up sleep and work out routine. Between visiting family and driving, there was no time for working out (unless I wanted to lose an hour of sleep and frankly, with all the emotions, there was no chance of that being feasible).

Then there was Thanksgiving. I didn’t limit myself but I did listen to my body. E parentals and my parentals came to our place and we did the tourist thing which was nice but again, that left little time to work out. That part was my own fault but I haven’t seen them since Sept so I really just wanted to catch up and visit and relax.

My need to relax = a gain of 5lbs. I’m hoping some of this weight is just bloat from other issues and I’m chugging water like it’s my job so I WILL see a loss this week. It’s just a matter of how much will I see.

While my ma was in town, we decided to continue my sunday baking and we made Pumpkin Roll

 One thing I learned — when they say have the cream cheese at room temperature — have the cream cheese at room temperature. I have cream cheese clumps now.

I think it was a bit heavy on cloves but overall, it wasn’t bad for my first attempt.

30 Days of Giving Thanks – Days 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, and 25

I have some catching up to do, clearly.

19) A Favorite Piece of Clothing:

My sweatpants and Lands’ End Moccasin slippers. I would live in these two pieces if it was socially acceptable







20) A Keepsake:

I have several but I think my favorite came to me very recent. My grandfather, who recently passed away, gave me these hand-made sailboats. I haven’t displayed them yet so I don’t have a picture but they remind me of the water and him and how simple things can be, yet so very intricate at the same time.

21) A Disappointment or Fear:

I’m not completely clear on why this is a list of things to be thankful for. But I f*cking HATE spiders. Bugs of all sorts, really, but spiders, OMG, I can’t deal.

This bigass thing is as big as you think it is. I was going out to check the mail and I see this thing. I yelled to E and I ran the hell inside. He goes out to look at it and the next thing I know I hear “I’m going to need some hairspray, two plastic cups, and a lighter”.

I’m not sure who was more scared.




22) A Book:

My all time favorite book is Jewels by Danielle Steel. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s a love story that can actually be real, dealing with death and divorce or what but I just fall in love with this book every time I read it. I wore out my paper copy so now I have it on my Nook.

23) A Feeling:

Love. Plain and simple. No matter if it’s my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my husband, anyone. To feel loved is by far the greatest gift ever. Beanie has recently started giving hugs and there is just something about this little person throwing themselves into your arms and giving you a hug, especially when you need it the most.

24) A Photograph:



It’s no secret that I have MANY favorite pictures but with these two, I fall in love over and over when I look at these pictures.


25) A Luxury:

Pandora Radio. Without Pandora, I wouldn’t have something to listen to all day and without something to listen to, I wouldn’t have 90’s Pop Radio and without 90’s Pop Radio, I wouldn’t have these beauties.

Don’t tell me you don’t have at at least one of these songs stuck in your head now.

You’re welcome 🙂

30 Days of Giving Thanks – Day 18

18) A Saying/Quote/Scripture:

I have two.

I am proud to be a United States Coast Guardsman.

I revere that long line of expert seamen who by their devotion to duty and sacrifice of self have made it possible for me to be a member of a service honored and respected, in peace and in war, throughout the world.

I never, by word or deed, will bring reproach upon the fair name of my service, nor permit others to do so unchallenged.

I will cheerfully and willingly obey all lawful orders.

I will always be on time to relieve, and shall endeavor to do more, rather than less, than my share.

I will always be at my station, alert and attending to my duties.

I shall, so far as I am able, bring to my seniors solutions, not problems.

I shall live joyously, but always with due regard for the rights and privileges of others.

I shall endeavor to be a model citizen in the community in which I live.

I shall sell life dearly to an enemy of my country, but give it freely to rescue those in peril.

With God’s help, I shall endeavor to be one of His noblest Works…


This was read at my Basic Training Graduation, 12 yrs ago. It is our creed to live by.

The second quote:

“Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.” – Benjamin Franklin

I actually have “True to One, Enemy to None” tattoo’ed across my stomach. It’s a reminder to be true to myself but to create no enemies.

30 Days of Giving Thanks – Day 17

17) A Store:

I absolutely adore BJ’s Warehouse/Costco/Sam’s Club. I know it sounds ridiculous but I love that I can get everything in bulk. I’m definitely no Doomsday Prepper or anything like that but with Beanie being mobile, 100 rolls of paper towels are nice to have to clean up the messes that she leaves in her wake 🙂

Plus, they serve samples of good stuff.

Seriously. Check it out 🙂

Crossing the Bar

Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;

For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crost the bar.

Rest in Peace, Poppy
We have the watch now ❤

30 Days of Giving Thanks – Day 16

16) An Experience:

I’m an Active Duty Enlisted person, I think everyone knows this. My “experience” isn’t one I’m thankful for but the outcome of it has made me thankful for my friends and family and that’s Sept 11, 2001.

I was stationed on a cutter and we were among the first responders. I remember hearing that we were leaving and heading down to NYC and my first thought was “WTF did I get myself into?! How can I get off this boat??” but away we went and we stayed there for about 2 months following the attacks.

During that time, our ship was forced to make the best of the situation. We only had each other and it was tough. We couldn’t leave the ship, we couldn’t do laundry at all as much as we’d like, and we were anchored off the Statue of Liberty. The smells, the sights, it was all horrendous.

But it made me incredibly grateful for my friends and family. They sent me care packages with candy and my favorite things. I didn’t get to see them but I know they were thinking of me. It really put things into perspective for me. I love my job but I love my family and friends more.


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