NaBloPoMo – Nov 9th

See? No prompt and I forgot a day so I’m making up for it today with two posts. Bear with me.

There was an article going around about how marriage isn’t for this guy. Ok fine. Except I think this guy is way out of left field.

When I got married the first time, I could have totally written this post. My ex husband asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world. I obliged. But I shouldn’t have. That’s not to say I didn’t love him but I wasn’t completely convinced that that was the road we needed to take. However, we already had the house, the car, and had pissed the grandmothers off because we were living together before marriage so we figured, that was the next “logical” step.

Marriage isn’t logical. It often times doesn’t make sense. Two people get together, fall in love, and get married.

But it’s not that simple.

I still say “everything was perfect until we decided to live happily, ever after”.

That was true. Before he put a ring in it, things were great. We were committed, happy, loving. He put a ring on it and everything changed. I felt like I owed him something. I felt like I was obligated to play a part in a movie that I didn’t sign on to do. I didn’t like that feeling. Then, when everything imploded around us, I felt obligated to stick by him and make things work. I felt obligated to fight for a marriage I knew was dead.

I hate feeling obligated.

I want to do something that *I* want to do it. I want to WANT something, someone. I didn’t want to feel like I HAVE to do something.

It’s true, marriage is a full time job. But, with the right person, it’s effortless. Yes, it takes work. You have to work on your marriage and make it work. There are days you’re going to feel like you made a horrible mistake. There are days you’re going to look at this person and think “I’m the luckiest person on the planet”. There are days you’re going to wonder where you could possibly hide a body and hope your BFF will help you dig. It takes work.

When I first met E, things were relaxed. We laughed a lot. We spent hours texting and talking and being real with one another. He realized, with me, what he saw was what he got. We had our arguments, we had our disagreements. We worked through them and, fortunately, we came out on top. He doesn’t love me for my quirks, he loves me IN SPITE of them. He puts up with my crazed obsessions and we find ways to balance one another.

I often get criticized because I say I’m a wife, first, and a mom second. Now, don’t get me wrong. Don’t, for one second, think I wouldn’t stop a speeding train and cut the juggler and heart out of anyone who wrongs my little girl. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her. But. God willing and the creek don’t rise (WTH does that mean?!), she will grow up, become even more independent, and create an adult life for herself that doesn’t include living in my basement. I’m raising her to stand on her own two feet.

What happens when she grows up and leaves, if I dedicate all my time to grooming her for this day? I’m left staring at a man that I don’t really know, except as “Dad”. That’s when couples of 20 years get divorced. You have to know who you married. You have to know that you can be a couple again, once the kids leave the nest. You have to be sure that, at the end of the day, you see yourself, in a rocking chair on the front porch, with this person and you’re going to be happy.

And if you don’t want to have kids? I applaud you. I know couples who get married and their plan is to just live their lives together with no kids. And that’s a great plan. They should never be made to feel guilty or to feel as though they’re doing it wrong. Being married does NOT mean you have to have kids. You should never get married simply because your partner wants children. For some, that is a deal breaker and that’s ok. That means those people are smart for not throwing away their beliefs and wants out of life.

Marriage is equal parts giving and receiving. There are times E walks in front of me, makes the decisions and wears the pants. But there are times I walk in front of him and I wear the pants. However, at the end of the day, we make the big decisions together.

People often ask us if we got married because I was pregnant. The answer: absofrigginlutely NOT. We planned to get married because we loved how the other made us a better person. Do we compromise? Of course. Do I give up what I believe in simply to make him happy? Not a chance in hell.

In short: Marriage is not for others. It’s for you. People ask others to marry them because they love how that person makes them a better person and how they make them feel. You should never get married because you feel obligated to.

The only “Happily Ever After” you’re guaranteed, is the one you create.

Leave a comment

1 Comment

  1. Bravo!!! Very well-written. I agree. You can’t make the person happy, that person has to be happy to begin with. If that makes sense…

    Reply

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